A relationship without shared experience is like a meal without salt 🧂
Connection needs more than conversation.
Is it just me, or have we gotten into the habit of coffee date friendships?
In other words, friendships where we meet and discuss our lives, instead of living them side by side. It’s more like updating each other on how our lives are going instead of sharing them with each other.
But a relationship without shared experience is like a meal without salt. You can eat it, but the ingredient that brings out all the flavours is missing.
Yet, shared experiences are what brings closeness and memories into a relationship.
Try and remember any of the 100 coffee dates you have been on in the past.
Now try and remember the times you went hiking, dancing, camping, picnicking, swimming, painting, singing, movie watching, or any other of the many activities and experiences you have lived with your closest ones.
I am sure it’s much easier for you to remember the times you shared an experience with someone than either one of the coffee dates. I even dare to say that you smiled at least once whilst remembering the shared experiences.
And it’s not because I am good at guessing. It’s because that’s how we are wired.
Sharing life with others is just more pleasurable.
You know that feeling when you just had the best day of your life, and you cannot wait to share it with someone close to you.
Research shows that you will enjoy the exact same chocolate more if you eat it together with someone than if you eat it when you’re alone (1).
Sharing experiences also leads to clearer and more meaningful memories (2).
And, sharing experiences and emotions leads to building tighter bonds (3).
This is thanks to something called synchrony:
Emotional synchrony happens when we experience the same emotion at the same time, like crying or laughing together.
Movement synchrony happens when we perform the same activity together, like walking side by side or dancing together.
Cooperation synchrony happens when we’re doing something more complex together, like solving a puzzle.
All of these synchronies can lead to something called physiological synchrony, which is a magical moment when our bodies sync. Meaning that our heartbeats, breathing, skin conduction or even pupil dilation synchronise.
Read that again…
Isn’t it amazing?
And what’s even more amazing is that physiological synchrony is a predictor of connection, as it leads to us bonding with and trusting the person we are synchronised with.
It’s the salt of your relationship 🧂
But it’s not just scheduled events.
In our modern busy lives, we have somehow learned that to be able to meet with a friend we need to schedule it 3 weeks ahead of time because it needs to fit our schedule and there’s little time for spontaneity.
Connection is down low on our priorities list…
Yet, what if we were to actually invite our friends into our lives fully, not just meeting when it’s in our calendar?
What if we were to live our lives side by side… such as running errands together, shopping together, cooking together, calling instead of messaging, movie nights, listening to music together, reading books next to each other, sleepovers, and a million more.
Especially when the quality of your relationships directly affects the quality of your life.
All of this to say how important it is to share our life with the people closest to us.
To do things together instead of just updating each other on it.
To put a little salt in it.
If there was just one thing you are taking away from this newsletter, what would it be for you? Let me know in the comments or as a reply to this email.
To your success,
Barbora 🌼
🧪 A Mini Experiment For You
For the next 7 days, see what happens when you shift from "catching up with" to "doing life with" the people you care about.
Here are a few ways to start:
Invite a friend to run errands with you instead of meeting for coffee.
Turn a phone catch-up into a walk-and-talk.
Cook a meal together.
Ask someone to join you for a shared silent activity: reading, writing, sketching.
I agree with this so much. Relationships cannot last if the only connection we have is a scheduled status report.
I feel like the only long distance “catching up” relationships I’ve had that lasted are the ones where we are each others advisors and sounding board, infused into each others life events like carbonated water.
Thanks for articulating this!